A much more pleasant day today was cloudy with occasional glimpses of sun. I decided to visit 18 Bernard Gardens and 79 Ashcombe Road in Wimbledon.
On Maycross Avenue someone had spilled a bag of gems, and in
Woodside, SW19, a child had lost a little bear. In Mostyn Road I met a man exercising a ten year old white German Shepherd dog. Passing Building Blocks nursery in Dundonald Road I heard the taunting chant: ‘Nah nah ne nah nah’, and thought of the infant on the receiving end. Walking up Hartfield Crescent I passed the childhood home of Tom McGuinness, mentioned on 10th. July, who warrants a post of his own sometime.
My days in marine insurance featured in The Drain (6th July).
This was where I met Vivien who I married in 1963.
We began our married life in my parents’ house at 18 Bernard Gardens. This was where she proudly brought Michael home and we lived for a few more months until
we bought 79 Ashcombe Road for £2,500 (no noughts missing). In Ashcombe Road we did our own decorating and I transformed a rubble heap into a reasonable back garden mostly laid to lawn for our little boy to play in.
As a recent toddler he helped me push a roller over the turfs we had laid. This was not to be our home for long. In September 1965 I went out one evening window shopping for a present for Vivien’s 23rd. birthday which was to be in a couple of weeks time. Forty five minutes later I returned home to find her dead on the floor of the sitting room. In less than an hour I had become a single parent.
Years later I was queueing for soap in Floris in Jermyn Street when the young man ahead of me was offered products from Duchy Originals. ‘I don’t want any of that stuff. It goes to charities like unmarried mothers doesn’t it?’, was his response. I leaned forward and said: ‘I’ve been a single parent as it happens.’ ‘I’m bringing mine up on my own’, said the shop assistant. He was gone.
Now I must return to my awful night. Deep in shock I collected Michael from his bed, where, thankfully he had been sleeping; gathered him up in his blankets; and carried him up the road to Bernard Gardens. My mother took us in and eventually put us both to bed. In my case that was not to lead to sleep for another three days, when I had stopped crying. Dad came home a little after our arrival. I can still hear his teardrop hitting my bedding. I will be forever grateful to the gentleman; doctor, official of some sort, I have no idea, I was past taking it in; who visited me the next morning to tell me that death had been instant and Vivien would have known nothing of it. My wife had died in an epileptic fit. I had always known that she could possibly have an accident, but never dreamt that the condition could produce a fatal collapse. To this day I don’t know whether he said it was her heart or her lungs.
Returning from the funeral I was to find a Health Visitor on the doorstep. She had not visited before but was making a check up call following Michael’s birth. He was now fourteen months old. She fled and never came again.
Michael and I were to stay at Bernard Gardens for the next three years. Until he was three Mum cared for him alongside my brother Joseph, just three years older. When Michael was considered old enough he attended a day nursery, where he met his lifelong friend Edward Blakely, and he and I moved to a studio flat at the top of the house which had just been vacated by the Egan family. I could be sole carer with the advantage of family below who babysat when I went out. I was able to continue working, collect him from nursery at the end of the day, and, I thought, cook us a meal. On the evening I began my new routine, never having cooked before, I decided we’d have spaghetti bolognese. I cooked up some mince in a saucepan. No herbs, no spices, no onions, no carrots, no tomatoes, just mince. Hopefully I used some sort of cooking oil, but I wouldn’t be sure. I boiled the spaghetti until it was soggy and served up. I don’t remember whether either of us ate any of it, but I do remember thinking, after I’d tucked Michael up in bed and turned to face the washing up at 9.30 p.m.: ‘Blow this, he gets a meal at the nursery, I’m going to the caff at midday’.
I had, by now, realised I could never stay in an office job. All I needed was a direction. How I found that direction is a further story.
This evening we had another excellent meal in the China Garden where we went with Becky, Flo and Ian.
I am sorry for yours and Michael’s loss, Derrick. My respect for you has increased multifold (and I didn’t think there could be room for more). I can’t go through your 1000 posts but I am happy you are using pingback so I can glimpse into your past while keeping an eye into your present.
Thank you so much Sam – it has all contributed to who I am
That must have been so hard…I know about losing someone dear suddenly but having to cope with being a single parent as a result of that is something I cannot contemplate.
Many thanks, Mary. It was tough. Looking back, I wonder how I did it. Mum’s help was invaluable.
I can’t begin to imagine this kind of loss and grief. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much, Alys, for going back to this pivotal post
I’m understanding better now. I didn’t realize Michael was yours and Vivian’s child, I had thought he was yours and Jackie’s child. Oh my friend. I was brought up as an only-child by my father, I have especial respect for fathers who do right by their children especially in those days, it was so rare and so underappreciated.
It brings to mind the death of that red-haired girl in 4 Weddings And A Funeral, who died suddenly from an epileptic fit. It is without words. I cannot find words for how it could have been for you to discover her as you did. It is a wonder truly you did not completely lose your mind. It shows your fortitude and strength but also in time must have been one reason you are the person you are today, with the depths of compassion you have, because of such a terrible, terrible suffering and loss.
To lose someone at any age, at any time is insurmountably horrific, and stays with us as a stain in our soul forever. But to lose your young wife at such a tender age with a new born – it’s beyond awful.
I am truly – truly – saddened and so sad by this and also so respectful of your courage though of course you had no choice and yet, you did and the choices you made were incredible.
It is not fair (life) that goes without saying but more so in instances like this. There just is nothing that makes this acceptable or natural.
Michael had one heck of a wonderful father.
I so wish he had been able to know his mother, she must have been a very lovely lady.
It is not surprising you were struggling with relationships after this experience, who wouldn’t?
I am glad that later on the fates reunited you with Jackie but I also understand better, why it would have been so hard the first time around.
Many people would never have been able to cope with this or have any type of happiness or relationships afterward and it is really a testiment to your love and goodness that you were.
I so wish somehow I had known you then, if that were possible, and I so hope that your mum and others were there for you at that time, so you did not have to go through this all by yourself.
I cry for you, I hurt for you, and I am glad to know you better, because all that I find out, only makes me like you more.
May you never ever experience that pain ever again. Ever.
Your friend. C
Many thanks, my friend, Candice, for your heartfelt words. It was surely a life-changing time, and I have ever been grateful for my stable childhood and close-knit family, and the genes that enabled me to cope. I knew you would have empathy. XX
You were a social worker, I was a therapist, very sympatico, yet there are many who work in the field who have no empathy whatsoever, and maybe having too much can be a downfall (as in my case, I couldn’t hack the sadness aspect). Eitherway I understand you on a level some people never want to touch. It is very, very good your family is close-knit, without that we are truly rudderless in such times of angst and great pain and suffering. You have thrived despite this awful set-back and so unfair event. It is so strange to imagine Becky and your life would have been quite non-existent and different had things been fractionally changed. How odd that is – how very strange to imagine other pathways, and yet, not want them, but never embrace the pain leading to the eventual path you were on. So much we shall never truly be able to comprehend. You do a very good job of expressing what is so very, very hard to express and we learn from this, not to ever presume to know what someone else has gone through or how they survived.
Thank you once more 🙂
Derrick, I can’t even imagine the shock and pain of that time in your life. Thanks for sharing this with me. I had a “good” cry. Earlier this morning I was reading Anne Lamott’s new book, “Hallelujah Anyway, Rediscovering Mercy” and it helped me begin grieving. I have been in shock for three weeks, but now the healing will start. 🙂
I wish you well, Patsy, and will be thinking of you.
Thanks, Derrick. 🙂
Thank you, Derrick. I appreciate that.
Thank you for sharing this story with me. How we overcome the things we overcome in life is always by something much larger than us, or what I like to call the Grace of God. It also never ceases to amaze me the people who come along on our journey to assist us. In your case your parents, neighbors, and nursery.
As far as the young man at the store who turned his nose up at charity, I applaud you for setting him straight. I know you follow my blog, and perhaps know I have started to check the bargain bin thanks to a kind stranger. In short, I get some looks that clearly say “You are stealing from the poor”, or if I shop after my morning run the looks say, “Poor you”. How we all must continue to educate those around us and learn from one another. I look forward to reading your other links in the post when more time permits.
Many thanks, msw
Thank you for telling this story. I am inspired to write about chapters in my life that I am avoiding.
I hope that has helped you. Mind you, I don’t include everything :). Thanks very much, Pleasant
But, of course!
🙂
Thank you for sharing about this most tragic time in your life, Derrick. And for linking it to your current post, so we could read it. To become a widower and a single dad all at once has to be so very difficult. 🙁 That you kept going is an inspiration to us all.
(((HUGS)))
Very many thanks, Carolyn X
Thank you for sharing this, Derrick.
And thank you for reading and responding, Helen
How do you maintain your resilience in the face of such sorry!
Thanks very much, Helen. I had a very stable childhood; I was fortunate in my genes; I have been blessed since; and I know one can get through stuff.
At least there are good times, too
Yes, indeed
What a terrible shock and tragedy cutting short what seems to have been an idyllic partnership. You were thrown a fearsome challenge, but rose to it as I am sure you will do with the equally demanding one just thrown at you.
Very many thanks, Leslie
I reread this to honor you and Michael
It is so sad the tragedy you both suffered. 🙁
And I know a strong bond developed between the two of you.
And now he is gone and I know your heart is broken.
I am so worried about you and about your Mum…as you both knew Michael from the first moments of his precious life.
I really believe he will always be by your side and in your heart…and he would want you to remember the good memories and continue to live out your life in his honor.
(((HUGS)))
Very many thanks, Carolyn. Please don’t worry. I am being well cared for now. X
Oh Derrick! I don’t know how I have missed reading this post before – I am truly grieved for your losses and the anguish you have borne in your life. Now both Vivien and Michael have gone and it seems nothing remains of that chapter ……. but you have been molded by these experiences and, forged in fire, come out a strong and kind man. You also have the memories of a young wife and a beautiful son whom you raised to be a good man. I am so far away, yet still I grieve with you. Warm hugs my friend xoxo
Very many thanks, Pauline – for your warming words, hugs, and friendship XX
I can’t even begin to imagine. I would just emphasise that you are an inspiration to us all. Your WordPress friends above have written such lovely things, I’d just like to echo them all.
Very many thanks, Alex. All my WP friends are a great help
We’ll always be here for you
🙂
My heart breaks for you Derrick as you painfully recall your past. Just remember my uplifting words from yesterday concerning death and it just being another step in our eternal lives. God promoted your loved ones to the gates of heaven ahead of others and now via their spirits overwatching you….you will over time become stronger and realize the true meaning for our “short” lives her on earth. All will be good Derrick. Hang in there. Gary
Very many thanks, Gary. Such experiences, as you well know, help make us who we are.
I am humbled by your compassion and true strength of character, You are very deserving of the love and admiration of your friends and family.
Thank you for such a special comment, Oglach
I hadn’t read this post before, Derrick. I can see that you and Michael shared a special bond born of tragedy, but that you were also strengthened by it. Also, how fortunate you were to have people who helped you through that difficult time–as you have people now to help you again. I agree with Oglach about your strength of character, and that you are deserving of the love and admiration–including from all of your WordPress friends, who grieve with you.
Very many thanks, Merril. I really appreciate this
I was especially taken by your response to the question about maintaining resiliency: “I had a very stable childhood; I was fortunate in my genes; I have been blessed since; and I know one can get through stuff.” That describes my life perfectly, although I’ve never seen it put so succinctly and the “stuff” that I had to go through was quite different. Your comment is a wonderful assurance that you will get through this, as well, and you’re offering reminders to us all that we not only have to endure life at times, we’re also capable of prevailing.
Very many thanks, Linda, especially for the identification.
I greatly admire your displays of resilience against what are surely the most devastating trials a person can face.
Dare i say it shows that Indomitable British Spirit?
Stay Strong and do what you feel will get you through once more.
Very many thanks, Bob. You may dare 🙂
I’m glad you are able to share these bittersweet memories of love and loss with us – your website really is a remarkable repository. Sending my thoughts, virtual hugs and best wishes to you, Jackie, Michael’s wife and children and the whole family.
Very many thanks, Susan. All this is much appreciated
Derrick – I knew parts of this story, but I never knew all of this. Thank you for sharing these posts. We all know that you are remarkable, and these stories help to explain why.
Still keeping you and your family close in my thoughts. Hugs.
Very many thanks, Jodie XX
<3
Oh, my dear Derrick, you have certainly had more than your fair share of tragedy in your life. I’m still keeping you uppermost in my thoughts. xx
Very many thanks, Sylvia. That is important X
“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”
~John Banville
Perfectly apt quotation, Uma. Many thanks
Warm hugs from across the sea… <3
Very many thanks, Donna X
Thank you for sharing your memories Derrick. Thinking of you and your family x
Very many thanks, June. XX
Like many others, I haven’t read all your blog so this has filled in a some gaps for me. I’m so sorry. Even though losing your wife was so long ago, your more recent loss of your son must have brought it back. Be good to yourself.
Many thanks, Val. You are right.
I reread this. It had already been very deeply etched in my soul. I feel helpless but I am here and I am thinking of you all the time
So many thanks, Candy. This is good to know. X
I’m speechless at what you’ve had to go through Derrick – I knew the rough details from other posts, but hadn’t realised the full tragedy of it.
Very many thanks, Quercus
Reading this a second time didn’t make it easier. For all the joys in your life you have also been dealt some blows. Take care.
Very many thanks, Mary. You understand
You are a strong person Derrick. No words can fulfill the loss, and no one can absorb the pain you have gone through. Om Shanti.
Very many thanks, Sandomina
I never knew this story. How difficult that must’ve been.
Thanks very much for understanding, Leslie. It sure was
Thanks for sharing glimpses of this part of your life with us, dear Derrick. I’m struggling to find the right words and likely failing. My heart goes out to you and Michael, though the crucial event is long past. How fortunate to have your parents to love and help you both at this time.
Thank you very much, Cynthia. You certainly haven’t failed
I cannot imagine what you’ve gone through and how you took this all in your stride…. waiting to read the next post soon. Will do so. Wishing you the very presence of Christ, now, always.
Thank you very much, Innerdialects. I sometimes wonder myself. Your good wishes reciprocated
My name is Donna. I just want to say, thanks for sharing. Tremendous story that had me captivated. I want to know more. How are you dealing now? I guess that is my main question. If you ever need prayer, I will stand with you in agreement. God be with you.
Thank you very much, Donna. I thank you for your prayers, which are much appreciated. After more than half a century I am now well settled
Thank you for sending me a link to this blog. I had not heard this story of your past before. What a story! Was Vivien your second wife? Were you and Jackie married before that? Did you have children with Jackie? What a storyteller you are! I can certainly see how this turn of event sin yor life helped you define your purpose. Being a single dad under bizarre circumstances must have been really challenging!
Thanks very much for this, Jan. This post will answer your questions: https://derrickjknight.com/2014/01/05/my-branch-of-the-family-tree/
Fascinating! Quite a lot of branches on that vine. Your mum must have her head spinning trying to remember all her great-grandchildren. Maybe it’s a blessing that she can’t, huh?
Thanks very much, Jan
Oh Derrick, how difficult and sudden this must have been. Such a tragic shock. It is a mark of your inner strength to collect yourself and move forward in life. Certainly a path that chose you. I suppose you thought about what if…s for some years after?
What if….s certainly, Amanda. Thanks very much.
Your a good man
Thank you for that, Gary. I know you have some idea.
A very chilling tragedy, Derrick. What a horrible entry to adult life. I’m so glad she couldn’t have known. Big hugs.
Thank you very much, Luanne X
Happy to reread this tale, I vaguely remember from one of your Knight’s Tale.
Thank you very much, Pat
I well remember this heartbreaking story, but it seems I did not comment at the time I first read it. It is not something either of you would have seen coming, just when everything seemed to be developing so positively. The shock would have been immense as you so ably describe.
Thank you so much, Gwen