“I Done It, Mummy”

In hospital life’s true  importances are pared down to the bare essentials. The result of blood-tests fade into insignificance when compared with the ability to get out of bed; to put one foot in front of the other; to preserve your dignity in hospital gowns designed to expose your backside; to make your way to the loo on crutches; and to perform evacuation and ablution without falling over.

Well, this morning, I enjoyed my breakfast, managed a poo in the right place, and wiped my own bum. I had memories of infancy and proudly calling: “I DONE IT, MUMMY”

Oh, and the blood tests revealed no problems; the physio took me for a walk, and Mr Kask pronounced “home today”.  But you must admit, I have my priorities right.

Jackie had been asked to collect me at 1 p.m. She arrived at 12.45, just ahead of my lunch. This was appetisingly moist, well filled, tomato omelette, new potatoes, and fresh salad, accompanied by tangy orange juice. I made a little headway, then needed an urgent trip to the loo. I managed to get there without tripping over anything, poo in the right place,  and wipe my own bum without gathering too much excreta in my finger nails. When I returned to the ward, wanting to cry “I DONE IT AGAIN, MUMMY’  ……..you’ve guessed………

Nurse Vanessa gave us a very clear explanation of the discharge pack, and Hanah wheeled me to the car and prised me into it. Jackie then drove me home in the pouring rain.



  1. Well done Derrick! Glad to hear you’re home. Get stuck in to the Jackie curries and you’ll be fine xx

  2. You have constructed a hilarious post out of your trials and tribulations, Derrick. So glad you have made it back to your home. I await further revelations of your progress to complete recovery.

  3. Oh thank heavens – for all of it!! You and Siddy would make good mates – he always tells me very excitedly when he has had to have a poo in his potty (due to outside being closed up and his mumma not paying attention to his needs) and we have happy dances and lots of post-poo cuddles going on – perhaps Jackie could help out with that………. So glad you are home, now you can get on with becoming well!

  4. Oh WHAT a clever boy! Seriously, I am so glad you are on the right track in every sense and I doff my cap to you at being to make light of what has been a most undignified interlude in so many ways. Hats off too to the staff who have cared for you and over to Jackie to whom I wish a serene journey towards her ‘Florence Nightingale Award’ which she will surely earn in the coming days. Happy homecomings to you both 🙂

  5. You are a man of great accomplishments. Glad you can now recuperate under Jackie’s watchful eye. I’m sending her a hug.

  6. So pleased you’ve made it home…. Own bed, quiet, no lights and buzzers at all hours, and Jackie’s wonderful care, attention and food.
    Rest well x

  7. Funny that when you finally feel well enough to eat, you can’t seem to get around to it. . . So glad you are home! I think your good humor served you well in the hospital and trust it will continue to do so as you adjust to this new stage of your recovery. Hugs to you and Jackie both. <3

  8. This is really going over the top,I had thought you a man of some distinction/discretion, are you really a Cockney by any chance, and been bunging on a bit of side?
    The food bit is bad enough but the disposal is something really over the top dear boy 😈

    1. Pleased to hear it, Brian. A South Londoner – near enough Melud. Hospitals eventually return us to a primitive state, I’ve found. Many thanks

      1. thanks Derrick, it has been a learning and continues to be. Service is planned for June 11 Ancestor’s day. cyu soon..

  9. That is what I call a perfect discharge. It was great to see a photograph from your camera again. Jackie carrying you away in pouring rain added a touch if Hemingway.

  10. Oh this made me laugh out loud!! Yes sometimes we are are reduced to the bare essentials and the bare accomplishments in life again. I am sooooooo glad you are home and the blood tests didn’t show any problems. So take care of yourself and may healing come quickly for you my friend. Love and hugs, N 🙂 <3

  11. Great news you’re home(certainly by now), and that it poured rain especially for your home coming. Sincerely hope all’s going well there at home, and that you got a great nights’ sleep. Ah, and some of that lovely home cooking of Jackie’s

  12. Well it would appear that you are on the way. Next post we will expect something more than a photo of an unfinished meal and you left big toe hiding beneath a blue sheet.

  13. There’s no place like home. Glad things are progressing in the right direction, Derrick. Take it slowly 🙂

  14. Glad you made it back home Derrick. You will recover more quickly being back in your own space. Just ensure that you faithfully follow your physical therapy that I assume you will be doing 2 to 3 times per day (most likely self directed or with the help of Jacki). Sometimes hard to get motivated to do this PT ritual (when comfortable in be or on your recliner), I know….been there and sometimes found it hard to get up to do this. However, keeping at it makes life much easier in the long run. Glad thing seem to be going well thus far Derrick!

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